But she doesn’t just sing! She rages! She swears! She incoherently babbles! Melodic miseries of her own imagination vibrate the walls and halls with disharmony. She blames in bass tones – terrrorizes in treble clef! Her cacophoney rises in an unsteady crescendo of crapola! Go to hell, she warbles sweetly, … and bows.
Breaking up isn’t hard to do… staying broken up is.
Unfortunately, spending two years with a Control Freak (my kind way of not saying borderline sociopath), my codependent dna was in full control of everything. After a week of sanity AWAY from her, my thinking became clearer. I thought. I think. Frell! Even now I doubt myself. She’s everything I despise and abhor and also everything I want. Why couldn’t she just have been a good twin and an evil twin? Instead of merged into just one body the size of two people?
Ten years ago, she cheated horribly on me, lied, coerced… you name it… and I wrote her off. It probably helped that I leaped right into another relationship. Well – maybe it just put things off. II went back with her two years ago after she convinced me she had changed.. completely! She was the good twin … she was every good thing I had seen deep within her that she could be! Evolution is a tricky thing…. but so is my ex. She faked evolution. Her bad twin was so evil, it had killed the good one and taken on its face, words, actions and mannerisms. But, it was just a mask. A costume.
And Time is the Great UnMasker.
Bits of her started surfacing after a year. Random tantrums, rages, throwing things. Then, the lying started. Deception, slyness. The Mask was started to tatter from the strain of her real face pushing through. To keep her sanity, she started lying not only to me, but to herself. And Idon’t know who was more gullible. She would make up huge false realities in her head during her long drive times. By the time I would see her, they were as real as real to her. Accusations, threats… now I know that what she had started accusing me of, she was actually doing herself. Cheating. Lying.
I was so busy defending myself, I didn’t have time to process what was really going on. I lived precariously balanced between reality and her fantasies. Everything her evil win was doing or would be doing, she turned around and projected onto me. Stuff I would never do, things I never even THOUGHT about doing. Evil twin hated boundaries, especially others. Knocking them down with bulldozers of contradiction and paving over them with her own giant parking lots.
I Should Haves:
Kept my mouth closed. Counted to 10 before saying anything to her.
Counted to 100.
Remembered to learn from the past.
Reread the fable of the Lion and the Scorpion.
Called my therapist.
Listened to my heart and head.
Counted to 1,000 before speaking.
Demanded couples counseling.
Remembered who to trust and who not to trust. History has its educational uses, after all.
Counted to 10,000.
So, in a month, what would I have written as my “Should Haves” today? hmmm. I need to think on that one awhile, and I’m getting bored writing this. I’m a terrible journaler! May I blame it on ADD? Yes, I will. Though a book told me, since I don’t read, they just “tell me”, HAH. A journal is important for people with ADD to keep. But it was probably written in better grammer than that. But ADD is a whole other blog. Besides, I think “blogs” are the new “black” this fashion season.
Required Reading I Ignored:
Thank you for not reading this. I appreciate your sense of honor. It’s rare someone actually respects a request made at the beginning of something like this, so kudos to your discipline and honesty, also. You are a rare breed to resist the Title, ignore my wishes and just go ahead and scan these words. Thank you. Now, I will not sing you a song.
There are two schools of thought about being alone.
1) If a tree fell on me in a forest, would anyone hear me screaming?
2) If a tree fell on me in a forest, would anyone care I was still in my pajama’s at noon?
The first is about those who fear being “alone”. They are afraid of only having themselves as company. Weirdo’s.
The second is about those who enjoy being “alone”. They are constantly entertaining themselves. And like to wear pajamas all day if they feel like it. Hero’s.